sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
