Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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