allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
