Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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