Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
