Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
