I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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