you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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