god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
