I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
