theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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