I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
