there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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