I wish I could teleport
True but thats because hes a fetus.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
