The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
