i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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