I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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