and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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