Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
