he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
