we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
