Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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