You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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