I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
