dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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