I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
