omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
