everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
