Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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