dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
