Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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