you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
