All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
