She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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