Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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