i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
