Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
