the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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