I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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