Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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