Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
