Christians are straight up FREAKS
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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