Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
time to smoke my breakfast
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
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