I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
