he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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