I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
