Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
