M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
