smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
