dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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