I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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