Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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