A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
