No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
whose parrot is this?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
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