Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
