Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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