Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
