My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Who died my cat blue again?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
