i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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