um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
