walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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