I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
My balls are so social today.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
