my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
