It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
