Kiss
Puke
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize