Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
