I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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