I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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