You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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